The day started well enough. In fact, it was a beautiful day. It was Sunday, and I was at Cafe Bernardo, catching up with a friend from UC Davis. We were on the porch, because it was nice out. It was safe.

I thought it was safe. I thought it was nice out.

Suddenly, I felt something on my arm. It was a big something. Very noticeable. I looked over and saw what I thought were two flies getting it on. On my arm! I'm brunching...and these flies are sexing each other. 

Gross, but manageable. I did that get-out-of-here-fly arms shake. You know the one. You've probably done it a hundred times. Most times, the flies leave you alone. I was sure it would send them off, to go do their fly stuff elsewhere. Leave me alone guys, I'm trying to catch up with a friend.

But "they" didn't move. They just clinged to my arm.  They were happy where they were. I looked again, and realized it wasn't two flies.That's one pair of eyes. Where are the other pair of eyes? That's just one pair of eyes! That's just one fly! Is that fly grinding on my arm? Oh no! It is! That fly is grinding on my arm! I was being molested by a large fly. An enormous fly! We're talking, so-large-i-thought-two-flies-were-fly-sexing-on-my-arm gigantic! Gross. Time to take extreme action.

I did what any human being would do. I spasmed. It was intense Exorcism intense. Others must have thought I was enjoying a Sunday brunch is Rocklin, and exercising demons. I must have looked ridiculous. I'm confident I looked ridiculous. But, I'm happy to report that fat fly left. The spasm and the aftershocks were to much! He took off! I think he took off at least. I don't think he MillenniumFalcon'ed me. I was sorry for whoever had to deal with that flying fatso.


Phew. Crisis adverted. My arm was safe, I was whole again, and not being groped by a sensual fly. I looked around. I had my dignity back. Time to deal with the important things like this omelette. Then, I noticed Sarah was losing it. She was double over and laughing.

I felt warm.

I realized I was holding coffee. Well, I had been holding coffee.  I was holding an empty cup now. My flailing had set me free...and sent the coffee flying. That hefty fly was gone, but now I was covered in coffee.

What a beautiful day.

1 Comment